you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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