Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize