just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
