barbara walters just said penis...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
