apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
