weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
