can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
