dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
