Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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