She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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