my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
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