I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
