Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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