do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
