My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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