Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
