I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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