A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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