I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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