dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
