look no pants
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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