my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
