Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
