So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You are a genius and a whore.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
