I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
