omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
