Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
