I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
