i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I wish there were birth control emojis
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
