the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
