life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
We are two peas in an std pod
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
