Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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