i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Randomize
