a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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