By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
