Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
and you fell through a lawn chair
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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