3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
