I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
only if we run a train.
done.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Randomize
