The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
