I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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