I just made out with a guy for $7.
I have demons in me.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
