I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
