It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
