I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
