Banned from zoo.
Again?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
