I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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