i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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