I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
