Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
