I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
