Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
