i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
