Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
