just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
