My hand turned me down
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
