so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
