VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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