As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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