Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
